Handling Frustration
One of our goals for Daegan this year, as odd as it may seem, is to give him opportunities to handle frustration. Not create opportunities artificially—being a 7-year-old boy with a younger brother these frustrating moments come easily enough—but after doing some reflecting on my parenting, I realized I was “rescuing” him or the situation too often. So in that vein, we’re trying something new.
A few days ago Daegan got very frustrated with his brother, and stormed off, giving me flashbacks to my own teen years, complete with stomping, yelling, and door slamming. As the moaning and wailing didn’t cease behind his closed bedroom door, I decided to try something new. I got a notebook and pen, wrote the heading “Things that Calm Me Down—by Daegan” and began numbering. I brought Daegan to the table and explained what I’d like him to do (write a list; we picked 7 items as he’s 7 years old) and why (we’ll post it in your room, so you can consult it whenever you’re feeling upset). The following conversation ensued:
Risa: So, what can you do to calm yourself down when you are frustrated, angry, or upset?
Daegan (after a brief pause): Not get upset.
Risa: Hmmm…you know, I’d love it if I could stop myself from getting upset, and sometimes I can now. But people have feelings, and sometimes we get upset. Sometimes we get frustrated. So I’d like you to think about what you can do when you’re already upset, to calm down.
Daegan: Like what? What do you do?
Risa: Well, I like to go outside for nature walks, or in the winter, I use the treadmill. And I like to cook. But those are things that work for me, and what works for me might not work for you. Like broccoli. [which elicited a laugh from Daegan, as its my fave veggie, and his least fave]. So what things do you enjoy doing, that make you feel good when you do them?
He made the following list (and yes, the first three items sounded rather familiar):
I took the list and typed it up (keeping the file on my computer, which proved helpful shortly) and we taped it up in his room.
A few days later we had another frustration moment, and Daegan went to his room to calm down. He picked drawing, got very annoyed that his drawing wasn’t turning out as he intended, and came storming out “It’s not working! Nothing is working! I am not calming down!” After some hugs and a chat, I set him up with pen and paper again, suggesting that perhaps he didn’t have enough options available to him yet, as not everything will work equally well on a given day. Interestingly, he calmed down immediately once focussed on adding to his list, and I typed up a new copy, adding “(8) bathe, (9) eat (something healthy) and (10) sleep.”
Now, to work on my own list. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.